Serotonin66's Blog

Since I have not written in ages I felt the need to offload. Well I thought I’d cracked it with the CBT and meds. Alas the ruminations anxiety, catastrophic thoughts etc goes on. I knew at the time I was having CBT that it wasn’t a cure and that it is a continual vigilance that is needed in dealing with my thought processes. My biggest realisation is that I have one hell of a problem with feeling over responsible for things. The fear of contamination at work or elsewhere is overpowering at times. At least I do get through it to some extent. But it is like a needle getting stuck on a record over and over I get the same fears playing in my mind. I think it’s the fear and my predictions of consequences that really is such a drag.

Well anyway I am still on meds, have tried several times to reduce and just cannot do it mentally or physically. I have been discharged from CMHT care coordination since Spring last yr and am due for discharge with Shrink soon. A trip to GP tomoz is much needed to ensure I have enough meds and to offload a bit.

The battle goes on !

I refer of course not to my mental health but that  of hubby  (though of course it does impact on mine) ! So what do you do when the Schizophrenic is on a dose of 1600mg a day of Sulpiride + 30mg Citalopram and he  nods off frequently at home ? You every time his Sulpiride dose is dropped even by 100-200 mg he becomes paranoid. However yes he is stable on the 1600mg, but he doesn’t appear to have much of a life especially at home, which impacts on his family – ie wife and two kids ! I have in the passed mentioned his sleepiness to previous CPN, to which she reckoned maybe his meds should be changed, only for Shrink to up the dose ! I know I am lucky that hubby can work and that he doesn’t have to be hauled off to hospital at a rate of knots. But I cannot help thinking that the professionals do not look at cases from an holistic point of view – you know the bigger picture ! I am now considering whether to contact current CPN , though whether it’ll do much good I don’t know, although at least it’ll give me the chance to get my concerns and ever sliding mood out in the open !

I know the title looks a bit rude, but it’s all in your minds !

At present I am feeling down, now lets just CBT this one shall we ? Reasons :-  1) I have just discovered what I had been suspecting for some time, that my weight has shot up considerably – oops ! Well I blame that on eating crap, comfort eating and focussing too much on my mental wellbeing . Plus all the other things that happen in my life on a daily basis. Answer then is to lose weight. Simple ! Well, ok not that simple but I am going to move my lardy arse a bit more other than parking it on the sofa and so I am going to start walking again. Yep exercise is good for depression, apparently ! I am also going to get myself checked in with my surgery’s weight reduction clinic. That is so that I have a bit of support/nagging/weight monitoring. My scales at home are shite and I’d rather have someone supporting/nagging me whilst recording my progress on ‘proper equipment’. I know what to eat, so is a case of following what I know is good for me and working it into family meals etc.

2) Other reasons for feeling down :- need to write an assignment for submission Thursday (actual cut off is midday Fri, but I am day centring in morning) . It’s a pig of an assignment and I am not the only one to be struggling, but I know sitting there getting yourself wound up isn’t as helpful as putting in the donkey work and doing the bloody thing. At least I have a rough plan of what I am doing.

3) Hmm feeling a bit isolated as far as Carers group goes. At present time Suffolk Carers is running one of those ‘look after yourself ‘ courses rather than the usual coffee and a gripe chat. I can’t attend because it clashes with my day centre voluntary work on Fridays. However I don’t really fancy doing it if it is the same as the Expert Patient Programme course that I took part in last yr. This is the thing that bothers me with community support for sufferers or carers. It either duplicates or there’s bugger else going on. That apart from fact that living in the west of the county of Suffolk means that you are less likely to get good services of any kind provided by the County Council and affiliates. Everything is based in Ipswich in the east of the county. Even the Suffolk Mental Health Partnership Trust is based there. So living where I do is actually on the fringes. Shit now I have gone off topic. Actually it bothers me that if I want to get a job/training in social care that too will be centred in sodding Ipswich ! (Ipswich is not an easy place to get to from where I live, there is no direct bus service, if you go by train you have to first get to Bury St Edmunds or Cambridge, each 30 mins drive. If you drive to Ipswich it takes best part of 2 hrs !). So I have now talked myself out of career change/progression, another downer !

On a brighter note I had a good session with Shrink on Wed. Only second time I have seen her, but I feel we do ‘connect’. We discussed discharge and came to a joint agreement that she would keep me on for a while, since it’s only just over a month since finishing CBT. Plus I admitted that I really do not have enough confidence in my very young and nice but inexperienced GP to handle meds reviews etc. Plus he really isn’t aware of my carer’s responsibilities – I use this term loosely because my responsibility to Hubby is to dob him in every now and then to his CPN when things aren’t great.

Ok so now I have got that off my chest I’ll go comfort eat a banana and apple ! Actually it does help to blog – I must try it more

Sometimes I can go through life without a care in the world. Thankfully my days of depression are few and far between at the moment and I am grateful for that. However as you’d expect being an informal carer (I use the term loosely, cos it’s not as if I am a full time carer for hubby and he does go out to work  !) I do at times have my feelings of hopelessness and isolation. I am not a very touchy feely kind of person, probably due to my upbringing, but I doknow sometimes Hubby’s withdrawn nature has an effect on me. Now I am not saying he is catatonic, clearly he ‘is able to function’ by holding down a full time job . When I say withdrawn, I mean when he’s home from work we see little of one another.He’ll have his dinner, we might watch a bit of tv together, he has a bath and goes to bed – pretty early. I know he’s tired and I know he’s been a bit paranoid these past few weeks. But for some reason I feel guilty for not giving him as much attention. There lies the rub ! Why do I feel guilty ? I know it’s the nature of his condition that he is like this, plus environmental factors, plus medication, plus whatever. The guilt part in me is as much to do with over responsibility, there is little basis for it other than that. In such a modern and complex world that we live in, relationships are not easy to maintain even more so when one or both partners has a disability, be it mental or physical. But I have to say it is very hard at times – I don’t acknowledge it enough ! Now I don’t want lots of tea and sympathy and I am really not doing the woe is me bit (at least I think not !). But every now and then it catches up with me, this feeling of guilt that I have done something to upset hubby. I’ll ask him and he’ll say he isn’t feeling too good. Over responsibility sucks at times I’ll tell you. So I feel a bit down and isolated. Not helped having a virus that has sucked the life out of me that is now approaching a fortnight.

Next week is half term, not a major problem really as my kids are pretty good. Naturally they argue, but not beyond the point where all hell breaks loose. Hubby has Thurs and Fri off so we hopefully will spend some proper, much needed family time together on at least one of the days. We need to do stuff together as a family, infact all families do and it’s easy to let these things slip. So I am hoping there will be some half decent films on at Cineworld or perhaps we can go out somewhere for one day. I love being part of a family, I love being a mum and I love being a wife.  Yes I like my alone time but just as equally I hate it.  I hope that those who fall for the commercial spiel of Valentines Day on Sunday really do wake up to the reality that love isn’t just hearts and flowers. It’s also about friendship, tolerance, comittment and support . Rather old fashioned values I guess but that’s me !

1)  I don’t feel very well – not mentally unwell, physically really, really cack ! Keep coughing, rough throat, sniffles and to add insult to injury my pelvic floor is failing me dismally when I cough. Laydeez you will understand if you’ve had kids ! Oh and even more insult to injury – ‘got painters in’  !

2) Hubby is ‘having symptoms’ as in paranoia. Asked him on scale of 1 to 10 how bad and he said 6 (he found it difficult to rate initially !) .We both know reason is down to his forgetting Sulpiride in morning – he takes 400mg then and 1200mg at night. Mind you he only told me yesterday about it and it’s been going on for past two weeks. Oh dear ! Well he has tried for past 3 days to remember morning dose, do that’s good. I asked him if he wants me to contact his CPN – unsurprisingly answer was no and I’ve decided to leave it til after weekend and see what happens then. Not a lot CPN can do anyway, it’s not a major crisis and to be honest the only purpose it serves ringing the CMHT is for me to give them heads up on situation. That said I know he hasn’t seen CPN for about a monthish and isn’t sure when he is seeing him next. I refuse to catastrophise about this – only thing really bothering me is that he gets very snappy with my son, who is 14 yrs old. Son is tolerant, very understanding (I have explained to him Hubby’s situation – he’s known a couple of years ) and very mature for his age thankfully. However, naturally I do worry what he is thinking about his Dad. Daughter at nearly 10 yrs only sees her Dad as a bit grumpy, but has a basic understanding of his illness.

Course work is slightly boring atm – waiting for third assignment to be marked ! Been studying differences in Social Care and NHS funding, privatisation etc. I don’t do statistics and unfortunately next assignment is about trends in community and residential home care provision since 1998, for the elderly. Fortunately I am just a smidgeon ahead in my study, since I know it’ll take some serious planning for the next assignment which is due in by 26th Feb. Alas kid’s half term begins 15th Feb !!!

Have decided not to go to my voluntary day centre thing tomorrow morning – don’t think the clients need my germs ! I think a rest day is called for – not that I over exert myself since I still just work Sunday’s !

Geez it’s been ages since I’ve written anything on here. Since I cannot be sure if anyone will read this I am going to just make this a reflective post  regarding my discharge from the cmht. I have finished the CBT for the anxiety,depression and OCD and whilst the initial euphoria of leaving has now faded I am now feeling slightly unnerved and a bit empty – like I’ve lost something. I think it’s partly habit and also the very big step I am taking in getting use to standing on my own two feet again after two years of support and about 9 months of CBT. I know I need to acknowledge this because I don’t beleive anybody who comes out of a positive therapy experience can honsetly say hand on heart that they don’t feel emotionally drained and very scared.But that’s fine, because this time I really have got the hang of CBT and I do not feel so ‘out in the cold’  like I did the first time I left ‘services’ in 2002.

Today’s final appointment was to discuss a ‘therapy blueprint’  that I will recieve a copy of next week. Basically this was Jan the therapist asking me  questions about what has helped me with CBT, what I have learned and a whole heap of other things.  It also covered such things as how I would deal with situations that could prove a threat to my recovery – ie Hubby’s own mental health deteriorating, kids illness, my physical health, bereavement, work stress and other ‘life situatons’. In effect it was covering all bases so that I could manage them in the future. For some time Jan has also thought that I needed some form of support as a carer. So it was agreed that if I required support from the cmht either by phone or an appointment to discuss Hubby’s health in a crisis situation then I have that right to access their help automatically – news to me ! If things get too out of hand and he has a a longer bought of illness causing a lot of stress for myself and the kids then I can ask for a carers assessment and a period of support will follow. Also was mentioned possibility after a crisis that they will support me in applying for funding via Direct Payments to obtain respite time/for myself and kids or a family break. So we discussed this further with my social worker and it will be all written into my discharge.

I now have to prove to myself that I can maintain my recovery and continue  with what I have learned – again something we covered was to remember situations to actively use the strategies as soon as I recognise a situation/issue/threat. She said that one of the main reasons why people return to services is that they do not implement  what they have used at the first instance of a problem kicking in and that they’ve forgotten what they have learned. Once I have my copy of the ‘therapy blueprint ‘ all I need to do is put in a place that I can easily find it and refer back to as needed.

Finally both Jan and my social worker encouraged me to go further with my knowledge and experience as a student, user and carer and get involved with the local user/carer networks. Reason being there is a real push at the moment to get people involved in shaping services. Apparently at the moment there is something going on with looking at the use of paperwork in the the Trust and reducing some of the wording, making it more simplified whilst adhering to an effective management of information.

I have learnt so much and I know how lucky and how grateful I am for the help I have received. CBT is not a walk in the park, you have to want to do it. It helps having a great therapist and certainly when therapy is done properly and when services do as they are supposed to then the system does work.

CBT and I feel I am going around in circles. Jan the therapist has said that the anxieties/depressions/intrusive thoughts are ‘normal’. She talks a lot about her seeming ‘normal’ experiences, but admits that as a therapist she sees things differently compared to how I do with my experiences. When I say I think I am going around in circles, I mean that we discuss the same things week in and week out. I agree I have made some progress – I do the thought charts, rate them and go through the alternative thought then rate that, and then see what the outcome is of my fear/thought and rate that. Yes the levels go down – that is progress. I also have to say whether I am catastrophising/prediciting initially when I have the thought/fear – yep can do that. Current task is to include a cost/benefit analysis of each anxiety/thought. Truth be known I haven’t done any writing regarding this cost / benefit thing. It is something I am not too sure about and I am feeling very lazy.  There’s a part of me that wants to finish up with the CBT – maybe that’s me being impatient, I don’t know. We’ll see Thursday.

Shrink appt Fri – first with the new one.  I am wondering whether I can drop a dose of my meds -  then again, if I so much as go into anxiety mode which leads to depression as I have done in the past few weeks, then I guess it’s not a good idea.

Actually haven’t posted much in past few weeks, not really felt need to as have not a lot to say. So here’s a bit of an update.

Mental Health – more stable than I have been in ages. I can def say that CBT is helping  regarding challenging my anxious/ random, scarey thoughts. I am also working on the depressive side now, which to me at the moment is somewhat odd, cos if I am not feeling quite right, it’s mostly cos I am  anxious. That said I know at times the anxiety and depression tend to morph together. Anyhoo seeing CBT Jan Therapist as usual Thurs plus Fri Shrink appointment. Met my new GP last week, not overly impressed by his idea of anti depressant useage ! To quote “you will probably need to be on them for 6 months until you feel happy ” – oh dear big FAIL memo to GP  ”read my fucking notes you twat – I know my care plan is on the computer system ” !!!!!!!!!!! Other than that he was nice, if not wet behind the ears. God knows how Hubby will get on !

Work  – still peeing me off . Though I had cause yesterday to involve one of the shift managers in a slight problem with the ever festering and NOT WORKING FOR MONTHS ward dishwasher. All I can say is that I am still astounded at how stupid people can be when it comes to working in a hospital.  Shift manager bless her rolled up her sleeves and did a lot of washing up of festering crap – even dismantled said festering innards of dishwasher, vowing to have words with weekday housekeeper ! YES, FINALLY A RESULT !!!!!!!!

Study – Awaiting course mailing, supposedly any time from 18th (Friday ) onwards. Looking forward to that.

Voluntary work – started at the Dementia Day Centre. Mostly good, but slightly put off by piss taking attitude of staff and bitching/whispering  - not entirely sure if bitching was aimed at other staff/volunteers/relatives or clients. Made me feel slightly uneasy – loved the clients though.

Finally …………….. we have SKY + !!!!!!!!!! Perturbed by Sky engineer who was showing me how to record things and said “oh look why don’t you pres recprd button for the Jeremy Kyle Show ?”  BASTARD !!!!!!!!!

My own fault, cos I keep forgetting to take my IBS meds and for the fourth week I have had an upset stomach.That said I have only a few left – I have some more ordered. Anyway this lead to me cancelling  today’s Shrink appointment. It’s the second time – though the other appointment was for when we was away. I could have stuggled to the CMHT’s offices today, but felt too washed out and to be honest I really didn’t feel like meeting new Shrink. I have CBT appointment tomorrow, hopefully I won’t feel too bad.

Lisha starts Middle School tomorrow too. Somewhat cruelly, but not deliberately I have booked a dental appointment for her and Dan after school. They haven’t been for a year due to the community dental service cutting back on patients – although I only found that out a month ago !!!

We had a good break camping last week.The weather was great, considering it was Norfolk – though a bit windy one morning. Still love to hear the owls hooting and foxes barking at night. It did however take a few days for me to settle into holiday mode, due to anxiety.and I had to practice breathing exercises on more than one occasion.So back to reality and getting up early again to sort school stuff out ! Ho hum !

Truth be known I have felt shite most of this week. I had an upset stomach last week which dragged me down for a couple of days, but it reared it’s ugly head again Monday. All I have wanted to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. I have really lost my appetite too.In turn I really feel down and had a few crap thoughts going on. I have written some of the anxiety stuff down and done an alternative thought to each, which has helped. But I have not tackled the ‘down’ stuff because to be honest the CBT is focussing on anxiety – although I know it doesn’t have to be exclusively. I haven’t done any packing for our holiday – done some washing, bought some bits and bobs but other than that nothing. Sure we don’t go til Monday so it’s not desperate, I just cannot get myself motivated. The car is going in to a garage to be looked at tomoz cos it is making a few odd noises from rear – suspension type stuff or wheel bearing.

Hubby had appt with his Shrink (who I am rapidly losing respect for) his current CPN and his new CPN (who I know since he has been kind enough to chat with me a couple of times when I’ve not been too good ). There is some confusion with who was treating Hubby cos current Shrink is new – he has seen her once and for some reason the confusion lies with a time earlier in the year when he saw my Shrink as an emergency. Now my Shrink has left and I am getting another one -  a female. For some reason they said that Hubby was to see my Shrink (forgetting that I am seeing her !)  I was due to see my new one next week but we are away. Anyway I digress, Hubby’s Shrink doesn’t seem to be interested in him. This, inspite of my concerned conversations with his current CPN, mainly about his sleepiness. I know his CPN shares my concerns and has told me she has spoken with the Shrink about them. From our conversation on the phone today after the appointment and reading between the lines on other occasions it seems the CPN is having a battle with the Shrink getting her to listen. The crackpot idea is that Hubby takes his meds at 9.00pm and sees what happens. Actually he has done this before  and it still doesn’t account for his sleepiness. Anyway CPN has said she will further discuss with new CPN to monitor situation and for Hubby to return in a month. Incidentally old CPN phoned me back to reassure me that we can still talk to her if new CPN isn’t around – she is still working here but in Crisis Team.  You know I was thinking about going to the appointment with Hubby, but he said he didn’t need me to be. The thing is he can’t think straight in appointments and very often forgets to tell them stuff or just gets muddled.

Anyway I need to sort some food for dear daughter.