Serotonin66's Blog

CBT and I feel I am going around in circles. Jan the therapist has said that the anxieties/depressions/intrusive thoughts are ‘normal’. She talks a lot about her seeming ‘normal’ experiences, but admits that as a therapist she sees things differently compared to how I do with my experiences. When I say I think I am going around in circles, I mean that we discuss the same things week in and week out. I agree I have made some progress – I do the thought charts, rate them and go through the alternative thought then rate that, and then see what the outcome is of my fear/thought and rate that. Yes the levels go down – that is progress. I also have to say whether I am catastrophising/prediciting initially when I have the thought/fear – yep can do that. Current task is to include a cost/benefit analysis of each anxiety/thought. Truth be known I haven’t done any writing regarding this cost / benefit thing. It is something I am not too sure about and I am feeling very lazy.  There’s a part of me that wants to finish up with the CBT – maybe that’s me being impatient, I don’t know. We’ll see Thursday.

Shrink appt Fri – first with the new one.  I am wondering whether I can drop a dose of my meds -  then again, if I so much as go into anxiety mode which leads to depression as I have done in the past few weeks, then I guess it’s not a good idea.

Actually haven’t posted much in past few weeks, not really felt need to as have not a lot to say. So here’s a bit of an update.

Mental Health – more stable than I have been in ages. I can def say that CBT is helping  regarding challenging my anxious/ random, scarey thoughts. I am also working on the depressive side now, which to me at the moment is somewhat odd, cos if I am not feeling quite right, it’s mostly cos I am  anxious. That said I know at times the anxiety and depression tend to morph together. Anyhoo seeing CBT Jan Therapist as usual Thurs plus Fri Shrink appointment. Met my new GP last week, not overly impressed by his idea of anti depressant useage ! To quote “you will probably need to be on them for 6 months until you feel happy ” – oh dear big FAIL memo to GP  ”read my fucking notes you twat – I know my care plan is on the computer system ” !!!!!!!!!!! Other than that he was nice, if not wet behind the ears. God knows how Hubby will get on !

Work  – still peeing me off . Though I had cause yesterday to involve one of the shift managers in a slight problem with the ever festering and NOT WORKING FOR MONTHS ward dishwasher. All I can say is that I am still astounded at how stupid people can be when it comes to working in a hospital.  Shift manager bless her rolled up her sleeves and did a lot of washing up of festering crap – even dismantled said festering innards of dishwasher, vowing to have words with weekday housekeeper ! YES, FINALLY A RESULT !!!!!!!!

Study – Awaiting course mailing, supposedly any time from 18th (Friday ) onwards. Looking forward to that.

Voluntary work – started at the Dementia Day Centre. Mostly good, but slightly put off by piss taking attitude of staff and bitching/whispering  - not entirely sure if bitching was aimed at other staff/volunteers/relatives or clients. Made me feel slightly uneasy – loved the clients though.

Finally …………….. we have SKY + !!!!!!!!!! Perturbed by Sky engineer who was showing me how to record things and said “oh look why don’t you pres recprd button for the Jeremy Kyle Show ?”  BASTARD !!!!!!!!!

My own fault, cos I keep forgetting to take my IBS meds and for the fourth week I have had an upset stomach.That said I have only a few left – I have some more ordered. Anyway this lead to me cancelling  today’s Shrink appointment. It’s the second time – though the other appointment was for when we was away. I could have stuggled to the CMHT’s offices today, but felt too washed out and to be honest I really didn’t feel like meeting new Shrink. I have CBT appointment tomorrow, hopefully I won’t feel too bad.

Lisha starts Middle School tomorrow too. Somewhat cruelly, but not deliberately I have booked a dental appointment for her and Dan after school. They haven’t been for a year due to the community dental service cutting back on patients – although I only found that out a month ago !!!

We had a good break camping last week.The weather was great, considering it was Norfolk – though a bit windy one morning. Still love to hear the owls hooting and foxes barking at night. It did however take a few days for me to settle into holiday mode, due to anxiety.and I had to practice breathing exercises on more than one occasion.So back to reality and getting up early again to sort school stuff out ! Ho hum !

Truth be known I have felt shite most of this week. I had an upset stomach last week which dragged me down for a couple of days, but it reared it’s ugly head again Monday. All I have wanted to do is sleep, sleep, sleep. I have really lost my appetite too.In turn I really feel down and had a few crap thoughts going on. I have written some of the anxiety stuff down and done an alternative thought to each, which has helped. But I have not tackled the ‘down’ stuff because to be honest the CBT is focussing on anxiety – although I know it doesn’t have to be exclusively. I haven’t done any packing for our holiday – done some washing, bought some bits and bobs but other than that nothing. Sure we don’t go til Monday so it’s not desperate, I just cannot get myself motivated. The car is going in to a garage to be looked at tomoz cos it is making a few odd noises from rear – suspension type stuff or wheel bearing.

Hubby had appt with his Shrink (who I am rapidly losing respect for) his current CPN and his new CPN (who I know since he has been kind enough to chat with me a couple of times when I’ve not been too good ). There is some confusion with who was treating Hubby cos current Shrink is new – he has seen her once and for some reason the confusion lies with a time earlier in the year when he saw my Shrink as an emergency. Now my Shrink has left and I am getting another one -  a female. For some reason they said that Hubby was to see my Shrink (forgetting that I am seeing her !)  I was due to see my new one next week but we are away. Anyway I digress, Hubby’s Shrink doesn’t seem to be interested in him. This, inspite of my concerned conversations with his current CPN, mainly about his sleepiness. I know his CPN shares my concerns and has told me she has spoken with the Shrink about them. From our conversation on the phone today after the appointment and reading between the lines on other occasions it seems the CPN is having a battle with the Shrink getting her to listen. The crackpot idea is that Hubby takes his meds at 9.00pm and sees what happens. Actually he has done this before  and it still doesn’t account for his sleepiness. Anyway CPN has said she will further discuss with new CPN to monitor situation and for Hubby to return in a month. Incidentally old CPN phoned me back to reassure me that we can still talk to her if new CPN isn’t around – she is still working here but in Crisis Team.  You know I was thinking about going to the appointment with Hubby, but he said he didn’t need me to be. The thing is he can’t think straight in appointments and very often forgets to tell them stuff or just gets muddled.

Anyway I need to sort some food for dear daughter.

Well in true style – when crap happens, the past week has been a bit of a rollercoaster. So pissed with some of the bitchy little girls that piss Lisha off – I know she can give em a run for their money. Anyway her good friend ‘C’ from school came for a sleepover last Fri. She appeared to enjoy herself, but prior to going home said that she’d have a much better time at another girl’s – who just happens to live a couple of doors up from ours and is and has been a real pain in the arse ! Anyhoo Lisha was very upset, understandably.Things got a bit odd when the mother of other girl two doors up, told Lisha that she was having a sleepover at C’s the next evening. Only we spotted that C and parents was heading off into town – minus other girl ! Weird.

Other weird/annoying stuff ? Arsewipe of a neighbour was on the f**king garage roof again yesterday and chopping other neighbour’s fruit tree ! WTF ?? He was only up there a couple of weeks ago. I thin k I put the wind up him, by sitting outside talking on my landline phone and then taking piccies on my mobile phone (of butterflies I might add !). I like messing with his head !

Friend up road phoned in tears yesterday to say she had got results of her OU course (it was an Arts/Humanities course  ) – but that it was not as she’s hoped. You’d have thought she’s failed the way she was carrying on – she got 63% and PASSED ! I tried saying to her “you’ve passed”, she just kept going on and on. Ok if it was me I’d be all upset, but  she admitted it was her own fault for not putting in the effort.I got all the “that’s it I’m not doing another course !!”. Infact last Sept  – after humming and harring about whether to do a course and when she found out I was going ahead with my one, she  tried to register for a psychology course, but that was full up and so ended up on the Arts one. I did try to warn her also that studying with two young kids was bloody difficult, but she was adament she was going ahead. Curious thing was on Facebook she announced to all and sundry she has PASSED – but of course no mention that she was pissed off. Later on in the day I got a phone call to ask if I’d order her another Kaballah Red String  – which protects you from ‘the Evil Eye’ , from Ebay !!! Hmm if she wants to pay £7 for a piece of red string  that has  apparently been ‘blessed’ then that’s her lookout, but as my hubby said it’s a bit superstitious ! I thought it was a bit of a coincidence following her distress earlier in the day. Almost as if she is putting her hope/faith in a piece of string to get what she wants. Can’t help thinking if the likes of Madonna are involved, then it must be a load of shite ! Perhaps it gives the wearer sinewy arms !

And yes I know I have had a right bitching session on here, but it’s my blog and I really wanted to get all this shit off my chest – so to speak, cos I have been near enough driven to distraction these past few days. Can’t wait to go away in the tent soon. Glad to say out practice session with putting it up went well.

Today, I was due to go into town with same friend, but a) it was raining very hard and I can’t find my umbrella, b) I was knackered cos had a horrible night’ sleep, c) just couldn’t be arsed listening to her prattling on about red strings and what a crap life she has and finally d) had stomach upset – I think poss cos I took my meds a bit too late today ! So had a long sleep lunchtime onwards and have hopefully perked up enough for tomorrow’s CBT !

I got a distinction !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

To be honest I am not feeling too god, that’s probably an understatement ! Things are getting on top of me and I am getting to the point where I am losing the will to do anything, not helped by it being summer hols. I am pissed off that hubby sleeps so much – infact resentful – though I know he cannot help it. The CMHT need a boot up the arse regarding this – both his Useless Female Shrink (hereby known as UFS !) and the CPN to some extent aswell. But I know for as long as I am appearing to be coping then they will do as little as possible to ease situation. Maybe if I lost it a few more times they would sit up and take notice – nah I don’t actually think so ! Why the hell should I put my kids through that anyway ?  I suspect that UFS will go through motions of ordering bloods yet again, which will prove inconclusive and then carry on as before with the Sulpiride. Truth be known I wouldn’t want hubby to have a meds change prior to our holiday anyway. Hubby has an appointment with CPN next week  – I might attend that, plus an appointment with UFS in a couple of weeks too. 

I said to Jan the therapist that Bastard Shrink had said years ago that I will drive myself mad and that is how I am feeling when all this is so overwhelming. I don’t feel like writing things down as far as anxiety/mood levels go, but then I need to in some respects.I didn’t go to work yesterday because of a headache that just wouldn’t go away – though I told work I’d got an upset stomach. There’s things I need to do around the house but I cannot get beyond washing up, laundry and hoovering – all are enough for time being ! It’s 2.50pm and I am not even dresssed or washed – no need really as I am not going anywhere – other than local Londis to stock up on provisions ! I didn’t sleep last night or night before – not good, but at least I slept in this morning and yesterday too . My mind just will not let up with things – hence sleep prob. Tonight I might have a Diazepam or two and try out the EPP relaxtion stuff – which I have let slip and see waht happens.

Well considering the course ended the beginning of June and everybody was keen to meet up for the reunion ……. only four of us turned up out of eight. Actually not entirely surprised so it was a bit of a strain at first, cos to be honest there was only two of us really contributing along with the tutors. Nevertheless it was good to go over things again that could prove helpful in managing our long term conditions. Actually it feels weird me writing that – lumping myself in with other mentalists, because a lot of the time I don’t see myself as having the same problems – well actually I don’t. I’m not incredibly old- as in OAP, I am not Bi-Polar, I don’t have a social phobia. Whichever way I ‘present’ (love that term !) I do think I am stuck in a paradox. Today I was Mrs Positive, all bubbly at the EPP meeting, but yesterday I felt all the bad thoughts returning, tearful and bloody awful. I am lucky in that I do feel ‘normal’ a lot of the time, not much consolation when I don’t mind you. I suppose what I am trying to say is that I feel like I am a fraud, but within an instant something just sets me off and it goes on for hours or days, rarely weeks. It’s easy to forget when I am ‘normal’ what it is like when I am having all the bad thoughts. It is also easy to forget when I am having the bad thoughts what it is like to not have them. Always the paradox.

Had a bit of a meltdown in the session and bawled eyes out. I just wasn’t really up to it due to a combo of anxiety building up from early waking nearly every morning thus this past week, plus alcohol consumption last night (not that I went on a bender, I just had some fruit cider and it doesn’t go well with meds the day after !). That said I confessed that I am finding CBT tricky partly cos it really might not be for me, but also cos of past experiences some years ago with a CPN and conrtibutons from Bastard Shrink. Thankfully Jan was great and said it’s not a problem if I don’t get on with CBT . We left it there to talk more next week and actually I think it did help to let off steam even though it involved me bawling, although as a former ASW I know she has seen far worse .

 I do struggle with a great deal of the sessions, especially as I am expected to know the answers to a lot of the questions asked of me (on the basis that I have received a lot of CBT in the past and I am also subjected to the “but you’re a bright person !) Well Jan has cottoned on to the fact I have a problem in applying the CBT to myself even if I do understand the ideas behind it. Coupled to the problem of being able to think straight in sessions and even remembering what has been mentioned in previous ones. She did have a little dig at me, because I need to be reflecting on what has been said outside of these sessions. Anyway with that in mind as soon as I get home I write a summary of stuff. That will help jog my memory hopefullyfor the next week. So upcoming tasks this week involve concentrating on perceived consequences of my anxious thoughts and actual outcomes. In addition there’s breaking down practical tasks into time units.Anybody who has seen the film ‘About A Boy’ with Hugh Grant might recognise this idea. Basically 1 unit = 30 mins and so because I find it hard getting my arse into gear to do things (because I get too overwhelmed at times) I am to approach practical stuff around the home in this manner. The idea is to test out how I feel before, during and afterwards. So I’ll give it ago and see how it pans out. What else  ? Oh yes, we discussed how I have now come to the realisation that a lot of my anxious thoughts are pretty much the same as a great many other people’s. For me it’s how I react – ie “OMG I can’t handle this !!! “ . Intrusive thoughts also are pretty common apparently for many people. These are the kind of random thoughts that pop into your head seemingly out of the blue and invariably can be exceedingly scarey. Jan has a theory that these are like the Synapses in the brain firing up sometimes. Again maybe some people are more sensitive to these intrusive thoughts than others, or indeed they react and interpret them in a different way. I do think it’s quite an eye opener to listen to some of Jan’s own experiences with this – not that she reacts the same as me,  that would be even more interesting !! Whereas I would be having kittens and attaching all sorts of interpretations to my intrusive thoughts “OMG  I am going mad/ die/spread disease….” her reaction to her own goes along the lines of “oh silly cow !” and thus dismisses it.

So with this in mind anyone care to admit to instrusive thoughts ???? Answers on a postage stamp !