Sometimes I can go through life without a care in the world. Thankfully my days of depression are few and far between at the moment and I am grateful for that. However as you’d expect being an informal carer (I use the term loosely, cos it’s not as if I am a full time carer for hubby and he does go out to work !) I do at times have my feelings of hopelessness and isolation. I am not a very touchy feely kind of person, probably due to my upbringing, but I doknow sometimes Hubby’s withdrawn nature has an effect on me. Now I am not saying he is catatonic, clearly he ‘is able to function’ by holding down a full time job . When I say withdrawn, I mean when he’s home from work we see little of one another.He’ll have his dinner, we might watch a bit of tv together, he has a bath and goes to bed – pretty early. I know he’s tired and I know he’s been a bit paranoid these past few weeks. But for some reason I feel guilty for not giving him as much attention. There lies the rub ! Why do I feel guilty ? I know it’s the nature of his condition that he is like this, plus environmental factors, plus medication, plus whatever. The guilt part in me is as much to do with over responsibility, there is little basis for it other than that. In such a modern and complex world that we live in, relationships are not easy to maintain even more so when one or both partners has a disability, be it mental or physical. But I have to say it is very hard at times – I don’t acknowledge it enough ! Now I don’t want lots of tea and sympathy and I am really not doing the woe is me bit (at least I think not !). But every now and then it catches up with me, this feeling of guilt that I have done something to upset hubby. I’ll ask him and he’ll say he isn’t feeling too good. Over responsibility sucks at times I’ll tell you. So I feel a bit down and isolated. Not helped having a virus that has sucked the life out of me that is now approaching a fortnight.
Next week is half term, not a major problem really as my kids are pretty good. Naturally they argue, but not beyond the point where all hell breaks loose. Hubby has Thurs and Fri off so we hopefully will spend some proper, much needed family time together on at least one of the days. We need to do stuff together as a family, infact all families do and it’s easy to let these things slip. So I am hoping there will be some half decent films on at Cineworld or perhaps we can go out somewhere for one day. I love being part of a family, I love being a mum and I love being a wife. Yes I like my alone time but just as equally I hate it. I hope that those who fall for the commercial spiel of Valentines Day on Sunday really do wake up to the reality that love isn’t just hearts and flowers. It’s also about friendship, tolerance, comittment and support . Rather old fashioned values I guess but that’s me !
